Good bye youth....goodbye innocent love......goodbye..........

Why do I miss John so much? Why am I so upset by his passing? I have not seen him for almost twenty years.........the fact that I cannot go to him really bothers me.

He was not the best boyfriend, but my love for him was so tender and fragile, innocent and pure. I don’t know why when I think of him I feel such a great loss.....I feel like I miss him so much and want to speak with him so much, but I don’t feel like this with my mother- something must have been so unresolved for me to feel this way- so sad and grieving, mournful...I keep going back to him, to the photos and trying to remember that love, all of the moments I can remember being with him, I am trying to remember better....maybe I am trying to understand, or trying to figure out something about myself. How to rectify this feeling, how do I move past and find peace with not being able to go to him and tell him how I feel?

Tell him how much I loved him, and how much he hurt me, but I still loved him and I think he loved me. Our love was lost somewhere and it can never be gotten back. But I am trying to figure out why this is impacting me on such a profound level, why when I heard of his passing I cried for hours and I feel like I still know him in my heart, but rationally I don’t know him, I never did In his photos a lot of women came and went in his life, just like men in my life

The irony of my fears......

I woke up today thinking about my anxiety, my panic attacks the depersonalization, the numbness, the obsessive thoughts and I realized the thing that I fear most in this world is myself. I fear the loss of control over my thoughts and emotions.

I fear myself. How completely ironic.

As a kid I remember my mother renting dirty cartoons and forcing me and my brother to watch them It was a pornographic cartoon called “Little Dick” my brother and I specifically remember this. Why This childhood memory is provoked while I contemplate the fears of myself is odd to me. I guess I think what is strange is that I had another person who did these extremely strange things to my brother and I , yet the thing I end up fearing the most in my life is myself. I have yet to make this connection.

I feat my thoughts, that I will not be able to control them, I often obsess over the great questions of the world, the things no once can answer- like why are we here? And what happens when we die?

those questions that no one can really ever know, I obsess over them and become panicky, this happens to the point of great impasse. I will stop showering,

trying to sort it out

Looking for john and seeing those old photos and talking to his sister opened really deep wounds for me. It wasn’t just a reminder of what was ,and the horrible and sad and very lonely place I was at- it was also a remember of the childhood that I was destined to live.

I wanted a loving father- I wanted love and to feel love-im not sure that I ever wanted to take responsibility for myself, but I had to- and then when my step mom came in and tried to dictate my thoughts and emotions she just made the loneliness worse because she effectively told me hey your not smart enough or good enough to do what you were doing – which was taking care of myself- she did not give me credit for raising myself- for having common sense for being as fucking normal as I WAS CONSIDERING THE FUCKING CIRCUMSTANCES- all i got from her was criticism.....criticism that I was a fuck up- an major major fuck up- whether those were her intended responses does not matter -its what I felt/ how I felt- and this wound that has been opened leaves me nervous and unsure of how to effectively deal with this- to effectively deal with my past- my childhood.

I had my first panic attack today- I felt depersonalized/ out of my body as I was driving to walmart- I was thinking about how I want o get off of this paxil- that scares me – I font know how I would be if I was not on it while trying to hash out my childhood memories- my therapist wants to me start a grieving process for my childhood- im just not sure how to do that – I mean there is John-

the boy that I first allowed myself to get close to- I got vulnerable with him, and he hurt me – my step mom beat me yet gave me the things I needed as far as food and shelter went – my real mom complimented me and sang and danced in public....humiliating me.....my dad went to work- he just went to work- he let everyone around him tell him what to do- and they all made me get an abortion when I was 15. I don’t know how to grieve when I am just now feeling anger and contempt, and love and longing......

Part of My childhood

I contacted your sister the other day john.I was looking for you......

John Duda RIP 2000

After 20 years, I was still longing to revisit the first connection I wanted an apology for not being good enough for you. Then I realized you were probably looking for the same thing that I was....but that peace never found you. I was a fourteen year old girl, who at that point knew nothing of love, sex and all of the emotions that molded me. But I was in an adult relationship with you, trusting you, being vulnerable with you....but that wasn’t enough.

I was punished and could no longer come over, and you didn’t wait for me, you moved on. Now I wonder if you needed what I needed, maybe even more than me. Your death has forced me to revisit my childhood. Your death has forced me to attend to things that I tried to ignore. The loneliest of souls always seem to find each other, and then become more lonely once they have to leave. My loneliness loomed in me, but you were there with it. You were still there, you were still part of the loneliness my hear felt. And although you could never fill that lonely spot, you did shape it and at times you hid my loneliness with happiness, and pleasure. Thank you for that, those feeling kept me going, helped me to live, I only wish I could have returned the favor.

I am sorry I could never tell you that I was sorry, but I am; I am for everything and I wish my memories were better; and I wish you were here now to know that you touched my life forever.