Good bye youth....goodbye innocent love......goodbye..........

Why do I miss John so much? Why am I so upset by his passing? I have not seen him for almost twenty years.........the fact that I cannot go to him really bothers me.

He was not the best boyfriend, but my love for him was so tender and fragile, innocent and pure. I don’t know why when I think of him I feel such a great loss.....I feel like I miss him so much and want to speak with him so much, but I don’t feel like this with my mother- something must have been so unresolved for me to feel this way- so sad and grieving, mournful...I keep going back to him, to the photos and trying to remember that love, all of the moments I can remember being with him, I am trying to remember better....maybe I am trying to understand, or trying to figure out something about myself. How to rectify this feeling, how do I move past and find peace with not being able to go to him and tell him how I feel?

Tell him how much I loved him, and how much he hurt me, but I still loved him and I think he loved me. Our love was lost somewhere and it can never be gotten back. But I am trying to figure out why this is impacting me on such a profound level, why when I heard of his passing I cried for hours and I feel like I still know him in my heart, but rationally I don’t know him, I never did In his photos a lot of women came and went in his life, just like men in my life

............I don’t feel anger toward him any more- I guess I just wonder if I was as huge of a part of his life as he was in mine..........I don’t know if knowing that one way or another would really change anything for me........It feels like with his passing , he took my youth with him.He also took some of the best memories...........................