Part of My childhood

I contacted your sister the other day john.I was looking for you......

John Duda RIP 2000

After 20 years, I was still longing to revisit the first connection I wanted an apology for not being good enough for you. Then I realized you were probably looking for the same thing that I was....but that peace never found you. I was a fourteen year old girl, who at that point knew nothing of love, sex and all of the emotions that molded me. But I was in an adult relationship with you, trusting you, being vulnerable with you....but that wasn’t enough.

I was punished and could no longer come over, and you didn’t wait for me, you moved on. Now I wonder if you needed what I needed, maybe even more than me. Your death has forced me to revisit my childhood. Your death has forced me to attend to things that I tried to ignore. The loneliest of souls always seem to find each other, and then become more lonely once they have to leave. My loneliness loomed in me, but you were there with it. You were still there, you were still part of the loneliness my hear felt. And although you could never fill that lonely spot, you did shape it and at times you hid my loneliness with happiness, and pleasure. Thank you for that, those feeling kept me going, helped me to live, I only wish I could have returned the favor.

I am sorry I could never tell you that I was sorry, but I am; I am for everything and I wish my memories were better; and I wish you were here now to know that you touched my life forever.