The irony of my fears......

I woke up today thinking about my anxiety, my panic attacks the depersonalization, the numbness, the obsessive thoughts and I realized the thing that I fear most in this world is myself. I fear the loss of control over my thoughts and emotions.

I fear myself. How completely ironic.

As a kid I remember my mother renting dirty cartoons and forcing me and my brother to watch them It was a pornographic cartoon called “Little Dick” my brother and I specifically remember this. Why This childhood memory is provoked while I contemplate the fears of myself is odd to me. I guess I think what is strange is that I had another person who did these extremely strange things to my brother and I , yet the thing I end up fearing the most in my life is myself. I have yet to make this connection.

I feat my thoughts, that I will not be able to control them, I often obsess over the great questions of the world, the things no once can answer- like why are we here? And what happens when we die?

those questions that no one can really ever know, I obsess over them and become panicky, this happens to the point of great impasse. I will stop showering,

I will stop eating, I lose the desire to get out of bed. I am not like this right now, because the paxil quells much of these thoughts. But I want to go off of the medication and I worry about getting to that place again- the place of myself, my thoughts, the fear of me. Of all of the things in this life, I should be able to control myself, and I am not sure why I feel that I have no control over this....can you control your depression? Can I control my fears? How do I embrace this anxious part of myself and become my friend ?